I am 10,000 months pregnant, which means…well, it means I really, really like Random Food Stops.
Our most recent Random Food Stop involved jelly beans. The sour ones that you can buy in bulk out of a bin at The Fresh Market.
They were exactly what Baby #4 ordered.
However…as perfect and timely and delicious as the bulk sour jelly beans were, something even more perfect and timely resulted from that random trip to the store.
You see, in the car as we were all munching on and inhaling our jelly beans, a very telling conversation happened between father and son.
Daddy: “Rudy, can I try one of your jelly beans?”
Rudy: “Aw Daddy! I don’t have very many left! Do I have to?!?”
Daddy: “Son, you realize that if you run out of jelly beans, I could buy you millions more. I could fill our house with jelly beans! I only asked you for one.”
The Truth Light Bulb that went off in my head as I listened to that conversation between my husband and son shed some serious light on a very private and deep and game-changing issue that I struggle with.
For 2,053 days now – the number of days that I have been a Mommy – something wrong has been lurking behind all of the good motherhood stuff. In the midst of all of the “firsts”, the handprint crafts, the tucking-in’s, the moments of precious and hilarious childishness, there is a nagging lie that I can’t seem to overcome.
It is the lie that tells me that I can’t let my guard down and completely and freely enjoy the precious children that God has put into my care. The lie that tells me that God is sneaky. The lie that tells me that, in order to “teach me a lesson,” He is going to whisk it all away at any moment.
I am believing the lie that God is going to sneak in and take my children away from me.
And I have been believing it since the moment my first child arrived…2,053 days ago.
Do any other Jesus-following Mommas struggle with this?? Do any of you who absolutely adore Christ and offer Him your heart also harbor secret misgivings about the sincerity of God’s good and perfect plan? Does anyone else out there have the feeling that if they “love their kids too much” then God will swiftly remove those “toxic idols???”
I’m hoping that I’m the only one in this struggle…but I’m assuming that I’m not.
The issue is not with me not knowing the Truth. I know the Truth! But, as much as I know the Truth, I believe a lie.
So, it is time to expose this ugly struggle and kill it with Light. To air out the skeletons hiding in my heart. To make the Truth that I claim to know and love appear more brilliant and dazzling than a cancerous lie.
I’m tired of not relaxing in God’s goodness. I need to relax. It’s time to relax.
**** I want to take just a second and make sure that I have not come across as saying something that I’m not. This article is not in any way an attempt to explain away or figure out the “why’s” of God’s plan. Children are taken Home all the time. We all know someone – or are that someone – who has lost a child early. My heart grieves at the thought! Please know that I would not dare venture into one of the most complicated facets of God’s goodness and sovereignty. Rather, this post is about breaking down the wall between my misconception of God’s character and what is true about His character.
God has shown me two radical truths that are slowly, but surely, eating away at the misconceptions that I have of His character.
1. I cannot out-parent God.
“Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11
I love my kids, I really do. I desire good for them and not harm. My husband and I toil for their provisions. Their personalities and interests and questions are all precious to me. And I truly enjoy being with them!
If I, a mother who’s love is tainted with the sin of selfishness and cowardice and laziness and greed, can love my children in a way that they do not fear me, then the question is begged: How can I possibly fear the eternal, satisfying, unconditional, sacrificial love of my Heavenly Father? How can I not whole-heartedly trust His good for me?
I think of it this way: My kids fear a lot of things…scary dogs, getting lost, failure, etc. But one thing that they absolutely do not fear, nor even consider, is the possibility of Mommy or Daddy sneaking into their room at night, stealing their toys, and throwing them all away. There is no room for a sneaky, malicious Mommy and Daddy in their heart.
And there shouldn’t be room for that falsehood in mine, either.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
2. I am attributing Satan’s characteristics to God Himself.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
What a humbling shock it was for me to realize that I had been confusing Satan’s and God’s intentions!
God is not a thief…Satan is! God is not sneaky…Satan is! God does not destroy…Satan does! If / when God allows suffering into my life, He will not be conducting Himself like a thief. A thief comes in under cover of darkness; a thief does not want to be known; a thief takes joy in another’s misery.
How unlike God the Father!!
Whatever God’s plan for my family and me is…it is not a plan written by a sneaky destroyer. His plan for me — His love story for me! — is written with consideration and concern for what will make Him appear more glorious.
Armed with this marvelous Truth, I can freely love my children with abandon! The future is one filled with kindness and goodness! And most importantly, the blurry vision that I had of God and His character is now much more clear.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
What fears have you carried into motherhood?
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Allison
July 3, 2015 at 4:15 pm (9 years ago)This is so beautiful. I have had the same fear about so many things. Thank you for sharing!!!
Lauren Souers
July 9, 2015 at 8:00 am (9 years ago)Hi Allison,
with so many mothers struggling with this, I pray that the Lord uses a deeper of understanding of His own character and His Word to set us free to love our children without abandon. Thank you for your encouragement. 🙂
Kezia
July 6, 2015 at 9:28 pm (9 years ago)I’m a mom who’s son has gone to live with his heavenly Father. God took him early because God is merciful and loves my son so much more than I ever could. He was 29, a new dad,but also a new Christian. From the depths of my soul I believe that his walk was fragile and God knew he needed to go home early to stay safe. That said, I do understand your fear, it was one I always struggled with. I worried about God taking them, the state taking them, etc etc. Only remember that we serve a loving, faithful God who cares for us beyond belief and who knows the end of the story.
Lauren Souers
July 9, 2015 at 7:59 am (9 years ago)“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; BLESSED be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21 You clearly have a heart that praises Jesus even through the most unimaginably painful experience. I pray to have a faith like that! Thank you for sharing.