The Secret Needs Of Lonely People

It’s been three whole months.

That doesn’t sound like much. Three months is only a trimester…the length of summer…how long I wait for a movie to arrive at Redbox.

But for a lonely person, three months is overwhelming.

Our cross-country move from my beloved Sweet Home Alabama to the rough and tough Lone Star State triggered the most confusing mix of emotions: while I anticipated the adventure of the future I also deeply grieved the loss of the past; while I was thankful for the opportunity at hand I was also angry at the change it required; while I was putting on a confident and happy face for my children I was also very, very upset on the inside.

I was experiencing true loneliness…something that I had never experienced before.

Loneliness is not what I thought it was, pre-devastating-move.  It’s not a lack of people around you.  It’s not shyness.  It’s not even a lack of motivation to meet people.  For me, it was just the overwhelming newness of it all, and not knowing where to begin.  It was the day-in and day-out of no playdates, of no one to call to meet at one of a million Houston attractions, of no familiar faces anywhere.

And all this was happening to a believer in Jesus.  Someone who knows that God’s plan for each of His children is a good one.  I was never in doubt of that, which, honestly made my own emotions even more difficult for me to understand.  I was not in a dry spiritual place…why did I feel such deep loneliness?  My need for friendly companionship and, heck, just some chit-chat was leaving me feeling a little guilty.  I had my husband, my kids, and Jesus…yet I still wanted more.

I wanted friends.

I think there are a million reasons that God does any one thing in our lives, so I never want to say that “this is the reason God made this happen.”  But I do believe that one of the eye-opening blessings that God gave me through the no-friend-time that I went through was that I would experience a new and wonderful benefit of the Church…that of inclusion.  And now, three months into our new life in Texas, I truly cannot fathom experiencing a life-changing move without finding and leaning on a church family.  When we finally found our church home, the friendships and camaraderie began to happen.

The Church is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

But my battle to find contentment in the midst of loneliness is still not over…I live in a busy city of over 2 million people and my “friend-making skills” are pretty rusty.  (It’s hard for a grown-up to remember how to make all-new friends!)  But I give all the credit to King Jesus that the initial dark and lonely place that I was in is now, thankfully, beginning to fade.

And now I am motivated…motivated to not waste that dark, lonely place that I was in.  I feel that I have been given valuable insight into an entire group of people that I never really understood before…the lonely people.  And I want to be responsible with that insight.  I want to use what I’ve learned through a very trying and sad time in my life to love and serve others.

Now that my head has cleared and the fog of despair isn’t quite as thick, I have been able to process my emotions from the last few months and  exactly what it was that I was struggling with.  Here are 3 deeply felt needs that I, a terribly lonely person, experienced and wrestled with.  Needs that I am just now able to even articulate, for at the time all I was aware of was the horrible and confusing way I felt.

The Secret Needs Of Lonely People

Lonely people have a deep desire to be asked about what their old life was like.
For months, all I wanted to do was tell people what Alabama is like.  I wanted to describe my old house and talk about the differences between Texas and Alabama culture and explain why people from Alabama are the way they are.  I wanted to be asked questions that brought out what my life was like before I became Texas Lauren.  Something about speaking of my Alabama life and a person being interested in what I was saying brought great, great comfort.

Lonely people desperately want to be invited to anything, anywhere.
Other than making and wearing a t-shirt that said “Can I Come, Too?”, I just couldn’t figure out how to make it known that I literally had nothing going on and would love nothing more than to be invited to anything.  I would have joined someone on their trip to the dentist if they had offered.  No playgroup is too last-minute, no fellow momma at Chick-Fil-A is too much of a stranger to meet up with, no event going on is too much of an inconvenience.  Lonely people want to be invited.

Lonely people badly want to join in a chit-chat circle.
I grimace at the thought of how often I must have been talking with a group of friends at church, with a new member standing alongside us, and I kept the conversation centered around inside jokes or funny stories about our children. Now, with a degree in loneliness under my belt, I see how excluded one can feel by standing in a circle having nothing to contribute to the inside jokes or private memories.  Lonely people need to be included in the chit-chat.  It makes them feel normal.

The Lord truly takes our darkest hours and uses them to sharpen our focus and change our perspective.  He has shown me, through my own struggle with loneliness, that there are lonely people everywhere.  International students, military families, people with new jobs…all are looking to be welcomed and included.  May we love the lonely people and be ever aware of their secret needs.

“Therefore, as we have opportunity,
let us do good to all people,
especially to those who belong
to the family of believers.”
~ Galatians 6:10

Have you experienced true loneliness before?
What were your secret needs?

Photo credits: here

Lauren Souers

Hi, my name is Lauren. I am the wife of one fine man and the momma of four (huge) young children – three boys and one princess! I love all of them. I mostly clean up messes and feed people all day, and it’s really fun to write about it. Jesus is the rock of my family – we love and serve a mighty King! I hope you leave here full of hope that “tired” can be good.