I am the proud mother of a wonderful loving threenager.
What’s that you say? Oh, well let me inform you.
A threenager is basically a living Sour Patch kid. One minute, they are laying on the concrete screaming and next playing happily with their siblings. They are demanding crustless bread and skinless apples in fun shapes, but instantly change their mind once it sits in front of them.
It can be exhausting, demanding, and sometimes feel hopeless to work with these people… Ahem, I mean children.
Until now.
This month I have been putting together a few ideas for how we’ve started to help our threenager have less melt downs but also be more independent. I hope this encourages you and gives you some thoughts to chew on for your threenager at home!
Put Labels On Things:
Have you ever found yourself asking your toddler, “Okay, it’s almost time to go. I want you to go in your room and get a pair of shorts.” You think, innocently, that this is a perfectly reasonable request because your child watches YOU get their shorts almost every single day. It’s only natural to assume they’d know where to get them, right? Well not this threenager. What ensued upon my clothing request became a 20 minute tantrum over the fact that I would not come to the room too.
At first, I was incredibly annoyed and I had a brief flash forward to me walking my child across their graduation stage because they couldn’t do it without me. Yikes. But then I realized that, although the tantrum was a dramatic reaction, the feeling of not knowing for sure how to complete the task was real. As a result, I got out some note cards and drew picture labels for each of my child’s drawers. Then my son helped me put the labels on by looking to see what was in each drawer and matching our label to it. After that, we played a game where I requested items and he’d have to find them in the different drawers. The incredible thing about this simple trick is that now my child doesn’t just know where his shorts are, but his shirts, pajamas, shoes, and socks as well. And there are no more melt downs over it.
Stop Asking Them What They Want:
I don’t know how many times I’ve asked questions liks this:
Are you ready to go home?
Are you ready to take a nap?
Do you want to stop what you’re doing and go potty?
Do you want to help mommy clean up?
Do you want to sit down and eat dinner?
But the real question is, why on earth am I getting their opinion when I already know the answer? Sorry but…You have to go home, take a nap, go pee, help clean, and sit down for dinner. All I’m doing by asking is making my kid feel like he’s got a say, when he really doesn’t. As a result, I make him mad because his thought didn’t really matter. Sometimes tantrums happen, sometimes screaming happens, but it’s always a bad idea. I always regret it. I always want to travel through time and take it back.
So instead, I’ve changed the way I speak to my child…
Okay, let’s turn around, it’s time to go home. Our walk is over.
It’s nap time, let go potty and get ready.
It’s been a few hours, I want you to go potty now.
We’re done playing, you clean up the blocks, I’ll clean up the cars.
It’s dinner time. Come sit down and eat with mommy and daddy.
It sounds silly how simple this is, but you would be SHOCKED how many melt downs you can avoid with statements that gently direct your child.
Get and USE Timers:
I love timers. If I could, I’d keep a timer in my car, my purse, my kitchen, bathroom, and on my back porch. The thing about a timer is, you can’t argue with it. When the timer goes off, that means whatever you’re doing needs to stop and we’ve got to move on. To me the more obnoxious or loud the beeping, the better. It only helps them to hear it.
As long as you obey the timer and don’t extend the time just because your threenager asked, they will learn how to obey the timer too. I always blame the timer, even going so far as to say, ” Sorry, buddy, the timer said it’s time to stop. I can’t do anything about it. The timer said so.” That’s a stretch, but I’ve totally done it before.
Here is a list of just some of the things I use a timer for:
Reading time
- 8 minutes of looking at a book… whispering only. (He’s three, so we’re building up to 30 minutes)
Mommy time
- I have to cook dinner sometime, right? I use this one when I HAVE to get something done but the kiddos want me to play. I’ll usually set the timer for 20 or so minutes, and let them know that mommy can play when it goes off. But not before.
Warnings
- I LOVE THIS ONE. Kids whine. It’s like a law. So we’ve instituted a 1 minute whine warning. If the timer goes off and you’re still whining, you go to timeout. You’d be shocked how often they get it together in that one minute. However, if they make it through the minute but keep whining 3 minutes later, I’ll set it for 30 seconds. After that, I’ll just put them in timeout no matter what.
Timeouts
- The timeout timer serves a two fold purpose here..
- 1. It gives an exact amount of time for your child to be in timeout which can adjust with age.
- 2. It holds you accountable for not keeping them in there too long because you’re frustrated or the exact opposite, they are just so quiet in timeout that without a timer, you forget about them for 30 minutes. Oops.
Sharing
- Also a HUGE favorite. This works when two or even three are sharing a new toy or just a favorite toy. I usually set the timer for 4 minutes. Anything less and they feel like they didn’t get to play with it.
Finishing ANYTHING
- “Okay, you’ve got 2 minutes before ________ is over and we’re going to bed, or the grocery store, or outside!”
Giving In
- I used this one just today. We saw a fun toy at Wal-Mart but had to keep shopping. All I heard as we trudged around the store was how much my threenager wanted to return to said toy. I sincerely could have left right then, but decided that giving him 2 minutes with a timer on my phone to play would save me 40 minutes of hysterical crying and the embarrassment of everyone watching me DRAG my child from the store. Worth it.
Easy as pie. And you know what? My threenager, on a regular basis, requests for me to get out the timer to help him. And transitions have become a breeze! Except for the “going to bed” transition. But, that one doesn’t get easier until… never? I’m just guessing here.
Prepare Your Children For Broken Plans
Look, I’m not one to judge. I’ve been there, too. You tell your child you’re going to do something, then you have to go back on your word. And guess what… it’s awful. I hate to make promises I can’t keep, but more than that, I hate to make promises to my threenager that I can’t keep. But what do you do? I mean it’s reality that plans break right? Right. So help your child understand…
Go the extra mile. If you know ahead of time that your plans have changed, tell them. It might be sad for them to hear, but it’s good for them to talk through real life. They may not get it completely but try to make a rain check with your child, and make sure you keep it! Blowing off plans over and over will only cause you to have one frustrated kiddo never sure of when their hopes for the day will stand or fall through.
I have several more tips that we’re working on! I hope these little gems will be as helpful to you as they have been to us. The bottom line is that my threenager doesn’t have to be a threenager all the time. I am in control of a lot and can help him by giving more structured independence and communicating better… oh and TIMERS! Seriously, buy five right now.
May the odds be ever in your favor 🙂
Just kidding, good luck!
John Smith
September 11, 2016 at 6:06 am (8 years ago)Great article….and true too.